1.15.2016

life // comparisons

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It's been a hard week. It's been hard for no particular reason and for all reasons. Nothing is all that wrong, and yet, everything is wrong. My grandmother, KK, says, "when it's everything, it's really just you." My friend, Rachel, says Mercury is in retrograde. I'd rather blame Mercury than myself, but KK is probably right. 

I really try not to deem my life as "stressful" all that often. I realize that I am lucky to have what I have and that many people aren't as fortunate. I think this reluctance is a good thing, but also a bad thing. I feel like I don't deserve to be stressed. So when something stressful happens, I shove it down and tell myself it's fine. I compare my problems to someone who has it worse and tell myself to stop being a baby. But it's not always fine, is it? Really, it's probably okay to be stressed about your infant starting a new daycare and about four of your best friends moving away all at once. It's okay to be stressed about trying to grow a small business, and about a bad economy. I'm learning that shoving it down makes it worse. I become more stressed because I'm stressed about being stressed when I don't deserve to feel stressed. What a mess. 

It snowballs:

All the stress makes you more open to the voice. You know what voice I'm talking about? That voice that creeps up and tells you you're not good enough. That voice loves to compare. You scroll Instagram and the voice stacks up the perfect pieces of everyone else's life against your one life. The voice starts to say you should really be better at cooking healthy meals, exercising, doing activities with your child, wearing makeup properly, at some part of your career, etc. etc. on and on. 

This week, the voice got me good. I was on my way to a meeting for a group I'd like to be a part of. I spent for-ev-er getting ready because crawling babies are always crawling away. I hired a sitter. I got in my car to go and the voice said "why would these people want to befriend you? They are more successful than you. You will NEVER be successful, and who are you to think you will be?" I let it keep going, "You aren't even very good at design, or very creative. Actually come to think of it, you're not a good wife or mother, either. You really really suck and you're an ugly loser." That voice is mean

I'm not sharing this to fish for compliments. In my rational, reasonable mind, I have a pretty healthy self-esteem. I know I'm a good wife and mother and that I was blessed with decent talent. I'm sharing this because we all have that voice and it's our choice whether we let it creep up and say such rude things. That day, I let it. I let it tell me all the disgusting things it could and I believed every word. I let it compare me to perfect ideals that do not exist. I let it weigh me down and make me feel like I wasn't enough. And I let it use comparisons to do the job. 

Needless to say, I broke down. I did not attend my meeting. I sat in my car with a pen and paper and wrote down things I am thankful for and you know what? The list was pretty long. It turned me around. (I also did some donuts in an empty parking lot, which made me very dizzy but also very happy.) Whether it was the list or the donuts, I'm not sure, but I do know that I decided to stop letting the voice of comparison tell me who I was, and this decision made the difference. 

To be completely transparent, I'm not sure why I felt like I should write about this. Maybe it's because I feel like I've seen more posts than normal about "bad days" or had more friends having crappy times as of late. Maybe it's because I'm also guilty of only portraying the perfect parts of my life on social media. Maybe it's because I have a son now and I never want to him to believe that ugly, untrue voice. Life is not perfect and it will never be. I will never be a master of all things. I will never be all things ideal. But I am enough. Broken and flawed, I am still enough. I am worthy of a happy life and I do not deserve to feel unworthy of such. And neither do you. You are always enough. Don't let the comparisons take you down. And if you know in which direction Mercury sits, join me in giving it the middle finger. 



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